Today is my dad's birthday. He would have been fifty-one. This time of year is proving to be hard. So many anniversaries that mark the worst year of my life. His birthday, the day they told us he was going to die, the day he died, his funeral. Nine months since I saw his face, since I heard his voice. Nine months isn't that long a time, but as the end of this terrible year approaches, the reality of never seeing my father again beats like a painful drum in the back of my mind. Oh God what I wouldn't give for his advice, his wisdom, his love. I am lost and confused, trying to guide myself through. I trusted him more than I trust myself. His judgement and his selfless love for me meant he would never steer me wrong. What would he say to me now?

My dad had a hard life. His childhood was cut short and he grew up to be an angry, unhappy young man. It was his love and faith that saved him in the end. He paid the price of his mistakes and he atoned for them in his death. Oh God,he was so selfless in the end. He went through all of the treatment for us. He wanted to rest, to enjoy peace in the time he had left. But he let them cut him, for us. He let them poison him, for us. He let them try to burn the cancer out, for us. In the space of nine months he aged twenty years. Fifty years on this earth.

I miss my dad. Some days are okay; I'm learning to be a grown up, to look after myself. But other days are so hard and all I want is to be a little girl again and climb up next to him for a cuddle and listen to him talk. He always talked to me. Even as a little child he encouraged me to express myself and listened to me. He made my thoughts and opinions feel valued and worthwhile. He gave me my self worth and belief. He told me I deserved to be happy, to be respected, to be valued.

My dad was a flawed human being, but he was a good father to me. Not perfect by any stretch, but he laid the foundations that have made me who I am. He loved me so much! I never doubted it for a moment. I was always so proud to be his daughter. He always meant the world to me.

Happy birthday, dad.