Lately I find myself wondering what my dad would think of me now. So much has changed since he left us. So much is irreversible. I worry that he would be ashamed of me. I worry that the person who emerged from this loss will only cause harm.
It’s easy to feel lost inside the turmoil of grief and pain. Sometimes I feel emotionally numb; detached from everything that has happened and everything that is happening. It makes me question myself and my ability to feel. It makes me question my ability to love.
I believe that each person has a spiritual journey throughout their lives that is highly personal. We each have our own cross to bear and our own gifts and attributes that allow us to learn as we live. Then when the day comes that we have learnt all we need for our individual purpose, God calls us back to him. I don’t know what my journey is yet. I watched my dad reach the end of his journey and I’m watching my mom as she perseveres through hers.
I think that if we are governed by our fear, God strips it away by making us face the things we dread; a truly painful process, but one that will eventually make us free. You are free because you are untouchable from the fear that chained you, and with such freedom, you can truly grow.
The truth is I have never felt more alone. For me, grief is both loneliness and fear.
C.S Lewis said “No one ever told me that grief felt so much like fear”.
I want my dad back to take away the fear, to tell me that I’m still the same person I was before even if I don’t feel it, and to tell me I’ll be happy again one day. But I know that I have to look inside myself and at the fear that governs me and wait patiently for the waves to wash over me. I will still be here when it’s gone and I hope that I will be free.
I hope, even if it be the smallest, most minuscule amount, that the profound compassion, understanding, and love that you so generously give to your Father, your Family, and even the people (real or imagined), that you so beautifully sing about, you can also give to yourself in this horrible, horrible time in your life. Wishing you peace, strength, and freedom as this ruthless year ends, and a new year blossoms.
ReplyDeleteDear Lady!
ReplyDeleteThese days I was looking for cover versions of that deep dark and so beautiful song "Hurt" (as sung by J. Cash). I found plenty of them, dismissed most, but kept yours. The more I listen to it, the more I'm touched by it. Maybe it's because I'm old already, but I don't need cheep effects any more, I seek simplicity, a convincing voice and a message. You have it all, and you share it. Thank you so much.
I love your "Hallelujah" just as much. I love it and I mean it. I don't watch the video, I just listen to the mp3. Your songs are so strong and - well - full of understanding, of love, yes, that's what they are.
I understand, that you have a very difficult time right now. Maybe that's why your music is so straight and strong. Keep it up!
Christoph
laopan@gmx.de