Father's Day

I felt today coming all week.
Two years ago to this day I lay on the floor at my mother's home and howled. But you didn't come as I truly believed you would.
I have had terrible dreams all week. Dreams of death, dreams of fear, dreams of trying to protect. I couldn't protect you, Dad. My beloved father.

I try not to think of your pain anymore, but I still see my mother's. She is so brave, dad. So brave. What will I do when her turn come? Oh this life is so full of pain. I wish that I could've taken yours away. I wish I could take hers away.

You were a good man. You were loved. I don't think that you always knew these truths. Whatever wrongs you did in your life, you atoned for. Oh my dad, I miss your voice.
I was privileged to care for you as you died, but I wish it wasn't so.

I had a dream where all that happened overwhelmed me and I ran away from it all, ran back in time to before. But then I realised that it would happen all over again and I couldn't bear it.

Father's day always fills me with grief. It's just a day like any other. But I feel envious of others who didn't lose you. Our little world fell apart, you see. When we lost you. We are still re-building. It's true what they say; life goes on. But you never get over it. I lost something so sweet when I lost you. It will never come back. The ache for it will always remain. But I thank God for it, and for the gifts he has given since. You always knew God and so do I. What a beautiful love. When I cared for you and held you in the very same way you did when I was a tiny child. I would not be so selfish to bring you back again if I had the power. I know that you are free, that the pain of life you suffered is gone. Still, of course it hurts without you. But I know you are waiting and watching and loving. I hope I make you proud. I hope I find peace. I hope mom feels your love every day. I hope Rory knows how much you loved him. He is such a good man, dad. He is the best of you. He is your gift to this world.

Sometimes I feel so tired, but life brings me joy. You brought me joy, dad. You still do.

Happy Father's Day from your daughter xx