Today I Miss My Dad

One of the most heartbreaking realisations about losing my dad was that the love he had for me, all that he gave me, is gone with him. He loved me more than any man ever will. That isn't to say I won't ever be loved, but a father's unconditional, selfless love and adoration of his child is irreplaceable. I was so scared when he was dying. Who was going to take care of me when he was gone? I felt like a lost child. I searched the faces of people around me, looking for something to fill the void in my heart, to soothe that loss.
It has taken me a long time to realise that I can never re-capture what I have lost.
My dad thought I was wonderful in every single way. He believed in me far more than I ever believed in myself. When he looked at me, he saw perfection; his greatest achievement.
I didn't see what he saw when I looked at myself. I wanted to find another person who could give me what he did and it seemed hopeless.

Now I see things differently. I see that I was so blessed to have such love for my first twenty-six years on earth. I understand that although I will never have it again, I was given enough to learn to see myself the way he did, and in consequence take care of myself the way he took care of me. Many people aren't equipped with such a gift to help them through life.
It is always raw and painful knowing that this man who loved me far above himself is now gone and I am without him as I try to work my way through life. Many times throughout the day I wish he was here still to comfort me, reassure me, tell me it's okay. But when it gets really bad and I feel despair, I ask him to help me. Then as if by magic, I can hear his voice and what he would say to me if he was here with me.

Twenty-six years of his unconditional love means that I already know what his words would be and I can say them to myself when I feel bad. Whenever I do this I feel calm again and comforted. His voice resonates within me. For that I am so grateful.

Losing my dad is teaching me to be strong and finally grow up. I know that life has many more hurt to throw my way and this is the lesson that will teach me how to survive. One day I will lose my beautiful mother, perhaps even my friends and partner.
My dad taught me everything. His last lesson for me is how to endure and overcome the inevitable losses in life, and how to love myself the way he always did.

"I see through these eyes you gave me,
And it's easy to think that maybe you'll be fine, we'll all be fine.
All the nights that you watched us in our sleep
And we never made a peep
And I was safe,
And love is Blue."