Your very own apocalypse

"Another loss is the 'old' you, the person you were before the loss of your loved one occurred, the person you will never be again. Up until now, you didn't know this kind of sadness. You couldn't have even imagined anything could feel this bad. Now that you are inconsolable, it feels like the new 'you' is forever changed, crushed, broken and irreparable. What is left is a new you, a different you, one who will never be the same again or see the world as you once did. A terrible loss of innocence has occurred, only to be replaced by vulnerability, sadness, and a new reality where something like this can happen to you and has happened."

After my dad was diagnosed I went to the cemetery with my boyfriend for an unrelated reason. I looked around at all those loved ones, taken away by death, and I asked him, "Do you think my dad will die?". It was the first time I had asked the question out loud. The first time I had voiced any doubt that he would beat this disease. A bit of surgery, chemo, radiotherapy. Easy as pie. But his answer was, "I don't know, Beth." I was grateful.

I was unprepared for the impact of losing my dad. While he was sick and then when he was dying I could only see so far into what lay ahead; the funeral, my poor mother, trying to return to 'normal'. I didn't realise what it would do to me, how it would shake my very foundations. Turn my little world upside down.

Imagine waking up one day without the sky. It's always been there, the sky. You never question it's existence or longevity. It's the sky. You look out of your window and it's there. You step outside and it's there. You have never imagine life without it being there. You don't know how, so ingrained it is into your consciousness. And imagine that you loved the sky with all your heart, with everything you are. Then one day it's simply gone. You have not just lost that beautiful, tall blue sky. You have lost your life as you knew it. Your very own apocalypse. What you didn't bank on was that you would still be there when it was all over.

Suck it up. You have no control. That life you thought was yours, isn't. The bad things you worry about, the hurt you try to avoid. It doesn't matter. You can't avoid any of it. You have to relinquish control because you never had it to begin with. It was an illusion. You lived in a daydream where you could prevent the bad things from happening. Magical thinking.

When you are thrust into the new reality of grief and loss you are changed too. How could it not be so when everything else is no longer what it once was? I remember my heart hardening as we walked through the hospital corridors; looking at the dying people who would be my dad's mirrored future. I felt nothing but disdain for them. I was not interested in their tragedy. I felt no compassion, no pity. My only concern was my dad. My poor dad.
And after he died, something in me died with him. A nameless part I can't put into words. I can only feel it now that it's gone.